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October 28, 2014

Does This Site Make Me Look Old and Out of It? It Does, Doesn’t It. What Do You Call This Thing, Anyway—a Blog or a Post or... Jesus Tits, I’m Old





The blog will resume as soon as I finish three more chapters of Leviticus.


Just as I was feeling pretty smug technology-wise—I hooked up a new printer using Japanese instructions! I edited a new paperback that, when viewed peripherally while on Quaaludes, looks like the product of a real publisher! I exhibited the (seemingly rare) sense not to turn on Photo Stream after taking naked pictures of myself!—along comes this steaming buffalo chip from the Turd-binders from Way Back at Business Insider to harsh my mellow:

5 Things On Your Résumé That Make You Look Old

Looks benign enough, eh? But probe deeper, and soon you will find yourself waist-deep in a turd-soup of the sort of hurtful, spiteful, gratuitous meanness seldom glimpsed outside sorority groupmails.

What say we deconstruct this “listicle,” you and I? Is this a “listicle”? I’ve seen the word but this is my virgin spin with it…

1. Your home address.

“Today there is no longer a need to put your home address on the résumé, since it's almost always sent electronically...”



Oh, get the eff out. I’m currently recruiting serfs—I mean, adjunct professors—to teach in the program that I supervise at R University and am starting to bump up against this weird notion.

I first noticed the trend during our 2013 recruiting, and wrote it off as carelessness. I sent one applicant a smarmy email hinting that his CV conspicuously lacked a basic element, expecting a sheepish reply and an apology, but instead just got his address in a terse response.

For God’s sake, keep putting your street address—or at least, some indication of the area you live in—so that potential employers can gauge your commuting time. Our experience has been that part-timers who require more than an hour to get to our campus are highly likely to leave us the moment a similar opportunity closer to home appears, in no small part because (and I trust you five or six regular readers to keep this among yourselves) our university blows. Travel distance is a legitimate factor in our selection process.


2. Your Hotmail or AOL email address.

One telltale sign that you are over 50 is an aol.com or hotmail.com email address, or one from your cable provider, says Miller.

Create a Gmail account immediately.


Aw, sweet Jupiter’s taint! All right, I’ll give you AOL; hadn’t known that such addresses still existed. But show me where Gmail trumps Hotmail. I've always thought Gmail was invented primarily as the tertiary, psuedonymous email address to be used when registering for porn sites, and that's about it. And just last weekend I received an application from a 31-year-old with a Hotmail address, so suck it, Business Insider. Hotmail rules! (Does it make me sound old to use "rules" in this fashion? It does, doesn't it.)

As Lillian Hellman once so succinctly put it, “I cannot and will not switch my generic email account to fit this year’s fashions.”


3. Your home phone number.

Who under the age of 45 still has a landline?



(Sheepishly raising hand.) And here’s a kicker that should give snooty Mr. Insider a seizure, or at least a fit of schoolgirlish giggles: my landline phone is also…a fax machine!! Which I still use a few times per year!!

In my “defense,” the condo association to which I belong offers only fax or snail-mail as options for submitting the signed proxy form I’m obliged, as an absentee owner, to submit before meetings. And then, of course, there are the Xeroxed dick-pics that I regularly fax to Janet Reno.

So, any advice regarding new-fangled alternatives to the landline?

"We ditched our home phone five years ago, and I am quite a bit older than 45," Miller says.

"If you still have a home phone and do not want to give out your cell phone number, get a Google Voice number."


Yes, okay. Sure. I’ll do that at once. I totally know what that means. I do.


4. Double spacing after periods.

"I am going to go out a limb and declare that putting two spaces after a period is obsolete," Miller explains. "It is how most of us were taught to type on a typewriter. Therefore, most of us who do this (I have taught myself to stop putting two spaces after a period and it was hard) are over 50 years of age."

Miller says he has heard that this has been used as a method of screening out older candidates.



Well, well, well. Blind pig, please meet acorn. Acorn? This is blind pig.

In other words, I concur with Business Insider, and can safely say that I’ve been double-space-after-period free since the late Seventies (and have the old journals to prove it).

But hey, Business Insider snobs, as long as we’re getting all huffy about typing conventions: your article title capitalizes every word, including function words that are not at the beginning or end of said title. I’ll give you a pass on the pronouns—those are judgment calls—but capital O on “On”? Really, Business Insider? Go ahead and copy-paste that title into Word. We’ll all wait...

See the green line under your “On"? See that?? You see, I think that make you look old.

Really. I do. Keep your distance, B.I. I don’t want your gnarly, blotchy old hands near my blossoming man-boobs.


5. Your outdated skills.

Limit the skills you list on your résumé to current and relevant ones.

"I could list that I wrote MS-DOS control programs, wrote machine level code developing word processors, managed IBM mainframe computers, and lots of other obsolete technologies," he says. "Unless I was applying for a position that required these skills, all it tells the reader is I am over 50 years of age and maybe older."



All righty, then. I promise I will not trot out my MS-DOS writing skills, ever again, not even to amaze the (collateral) grandkids. Happy, Business Insider? Happy that you’ve ruined my day with all your Gmail babble and Google Voice drivel?

I’m going to get drunk and calculate Walter Johnson’s ERA by abacus now while I wait for Janet to fax me back. You go suck a tailpipe.